you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
