the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Dignity is for republicans.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
