forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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