Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
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