3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Someone shattered a urinal.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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