i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Randomize
