Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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