I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
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I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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