Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
