If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
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