he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
The beers last night were like the tears from god
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
