Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
