My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
