You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
