Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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