just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Randomize
