Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Randomize
