why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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