My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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