I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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