I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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