I'm gonna have a badass scar
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
