Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
