Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
