you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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