Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
