i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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