Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You ruined the universe
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Randomize
