Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
