Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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