if i can run in heels then i can drive
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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