Four minutes until I can fart!
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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