i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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