I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
