Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
