Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I faked an abortion last night.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
he fucked my hip out of place.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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