so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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