I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Randomize
