chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
