Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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