Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
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