today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Randomize
