upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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