I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
