I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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