This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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