we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
