their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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