My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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