woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
