goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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