i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
