Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
