"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
