i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Found the puke drawer
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
