I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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