I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
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My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just forgot I was standing up.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
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