Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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