I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Randomize
